


These Hands

by Merenwen76



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Angry Dean, Gen, Guilty Dean Winchester, One Shot, Protective Sam Winchester, The brother hug I missed in this episodes, brothers talk, s14 Ep3, spoiler for S14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 17:43:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17125865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merenwen76/pseuds/Merenwen76
Summary: Dean is back in the Bunker. But the guilty feelings still hurt him. Can Sam help him to get over it?





	These Hands

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first one shot. Pls be kind.  
> I try to fix a few things I missed while watching season 14 episode 2 and 3.  
> please remind, i am not a native speaker.  
> thank you DarkSun for beta.  
> All remaining mistakes are mine !

Deans walked down the aisle of the bunker. His fingers were scratching gently over the rough plaster. He knew  every inch of these halls, every turn. He would be able to find the war room in complete darkness.

Walking these halls now, never seemed so strange to him. He was back, but it didn’t  feel like being home. Three weeks he had  been gone. Three weeks he was drowning. Fighting for air to breathe.But Michael kept him under water.

Suddenly he realized  that he stopped walking, instead he leaned  against the thick wall and took a deep breath.

Driving back home, they didn’t really talk. He saw Sam watching him out of the corner of his eyes .

He saw the mixture of happiness and suspicion in his little brother eyes.

And he couldn’t blame him.

The things he did, Michael did, he  wasn’t sure if he could ever be able to look at himself.

His mother was there too, when he finally made it to the church. When he sank to the ground and called for his brother. She embraced  him and, for a second, he just wanted  to cradle in her lap and wanted  to hide from everything, be the boy he never was  allowed to be.

Then there was Bobby, or the man  that looked like him, talked like him, but this man wasn’t his Bobby. He wasn’t the Bobby Singer who was more like a father for him then John ever was. This Bobby reminds him too much of what he had lost over the years.

When they entered the bunker, everything was too much. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to get those looks from the other hunters. He wanted them gone. He wanted all of them gone. He tried to cover his anger and his misery. He teased Sam and his ridiculous facial hair. Three weeks was he gone and Sam turned into a mountain men? He wanted his live back. He wanted his bunker back. He wanted his brother back. The clean shaved worried little brother. He wanted all of it back, he wanted to pretend that the last weeks didn’t happen.

But they did..

He told Sam he couldn’t remember it. He could tell Sam didn’t believe him. He read his brother like a book. But he also knew, two can play that game .

Back in his room, he closed the door and shot everyone out.

He wanted to be alone.

Alone for the first time since he allowed Michael to possess his body. Just him.

Dean Winchester.

He thought they had a deal, he should have known better, never trust those freaking angels. He should have thought this through bevor he said yes. But there was no other way. There was no time for thinking. Lucifer took Sam. He took Jack. He had no choice. He wouldn’t allow this bastard to torture his brother for one more second and he had  to protect the kid, Jack, that despite everything, had become part of his life.

He unbuttoned the white shirt, wanted this clothes, Michaels clothes, off of him. He tossed it away to burn it later. No evidence should remain of this bastard. The small mirror in his room reflected his body, _the_ vessel. The skin and bones, the muscles and nerves, Michael took over, made him dance like a puppet on a string.

It’s not that he wasn’t trying to get rid of Michael, he told him to get out, he shouted in his own face, just to see his own face smiling back at him.

But he kept fighting, strugglin tried to wrestle Michael down.

He needed to be in control, he needed to be back -back to Sam.

At first he tried to shut his feelings and his worries over his brother down.

He was too afraid to reveal Michael his weak spot. But he couldn’t keep Michael out of his head, he forced himself into Dean‘s darkest thoughts and hidden feelings. So .. he changed his tactic and  opened himself up to Michael like he did to no one else before.

Michael wanted to be inside his head? There you go, you son of a bitch. And he layed everything out, every horror he went through, every nightmare he faced. And every fibre of his body screamed for his brother.

To go back to him, to watch out for him.

And he didn’t  understand why, but in the end, it was his own horrible life that made  Michael flee.

He took  a close look in the mirror when he noticed  the scar on his arm. The wound didn’t  hurt but it was ugly and looked like a weapon hit him. He tried to remember, but when he remembered  he had to  see everything else.

 

Dean walked , no he run, he knew  he didn’t want to stay in his room . He wanted  to talk to the only person that really matters. The only one he could trust enough to show this mark. And .. he wanted  to see him to make sure he is ok.

Cause it’s not that Dean didn’t notice it, Sam doesn’t look good. He joked about the beard, but , he saw the deep dark shadows under his brothers eyes , his body thinner than usual. He took the steps to the kitchen. Like a magnet he always knew on instinct where to find his brother.

Sam filled  the pot with water to set up new coffee.

„Hey“ he looked  up to Dean as he started  the machine .

„Exactly what I need“ Dean joined his brother, silently thanking God for being alone with him .

„Did you eat Sammy?“

„No.. not yet I was busy. Everyone wants to know how you .. I mean if it’s you …“ he stumbled over the words and suddenly reminded  Dean of a 14-year old Sam version who got caught by John choosing his books over gun practice again.

„Well, I am back, and I’m hungry, so step aside Sasquatch and let me make us some sandwiches.“

„Dean, you don’t have to do this, you should  re..“

„No Sam“ he was shouting more then he wanted

„it’s exactly what i need to do!  I … I had no control .. nothing.. now .. this .. this is me in charge again, and now get your ass over there and let me do something“

That was so far away from what he had planned when he came to the kitchen. Angry he opened  the fridge and searched for ingredients.

Sam sat  down at the table, his eyes were shining and red.

„I’m sorry Dean“ he whispered but loud enough for Dean to hear .

„We .. I.. we tried everything.. looking for you .. trace him back… I.. I’m really sorry.“

His body became small and exhausted.

Dean froze on his spot. „There is no reason for you to be sorry Sam. I know that you tried everything. Don’t blame yourself. This“ he waved  with his butterknife through the air „all this, it’s on me.“

„Dean, that’s not  true. Nothing is on you, it’s Michael, he did all this. Blame him, but not you!“

„I said yes Sam.. I allowed  him to possess me.“ Dean rested his palms on the kitchen surface.

„Then blame me“ Sam looked  up to his brother, locked eyes with him “blame me, in the end, you did it because of me.“

They stared at each other, the room absolutely  silent.

 

„Lucifer got you Sam, he got Jack, what was I supposed to do? He got YOU!“

Sam’s  chair rocked  as he jumped up and in three large steps he was there to hold Dean. Hold him tight and Dean put himself in this embrace. They just stood there, holding each other, feeling  the warm breathing body. Let it all become real. That they really had each other back.

In the end , they separated and Sam clapped  deans shoulders while he got them two mugs with coffee.

Dean meanwhile prepared  the Sandwiches.

Cooking as a child was a daily struggle. There never was  enough money for the good stuff, never enough time for preparing, never enough food for two hungry growing boys. But he always made  sure to make the best of it. When Sammy eyes went wide on a mac n cheese a la surprise... it still warmed his heart. The kitchen in the bunker gave him the courage to take his time on cooking good food. Mixing and experimenting  with recipes..

Mixing

Bowls

Ingredients

His hands started  shaking. The knife fell  on the ground and his legs gave out. Sam immediately was by his side. He guided  him to the table and kneeled before Dean.

„He ..Michael .. he experiments..with .. creatures“

„I know. Before you came back, we fought  against a few of his new soldiers.“

„But the price .. he killed so many ill .. I couldn’t t stop him .. creatures, human, Michael didn’t care .. he tried  to find an elixir… something to make them stronger“

Sam caressed  Deans neck, made him look at him.

„ Dean nothing,NOTHING  of this is your fault, please, i need you to see that.“

Dean's eyes dropped  back to his hands. He opened  his palms and turned them up.

„These hands killed, tortured and violated so many people. How can I ever forget that ?“

 

Sam took a deep breath.

He stood  up to get himself  in front of his older brother again.

He also put his palms on his thighs and when he spoke , it barely was a whisper.

„These hands killed Kevin.

These hands smashed your face over and over.

These hands took Adam with me in the cage and there ..“ he paused a moment „I feel your anger Dean and god knows I feel your pain and your guilt .

But please, please listen to me. You have to forgive yourself. You have to see, that all of this, it wasn’t you“

Sam‘s words hit him and after a moment he sighted.

„Sammy , i think I never really understood what it meant  to be possessed. I mean I hated Lucifer for controlling you I hated  this freaking bastard so much, but I think I never really understood what you went through.“

Sam took a deep breath. They sat  in silence for a moment, both infected by  memories of the past.

„This is NOT on you Dean. We will find Michael and we will stop him and kill him .

„I don’t know how“

Sam laid his hands in Deans.

„Me neither. But we will find a way!

We always do.

We fix this. Together.“


End file.
